I've been pretty busy lately pressuring President Bush regarding his Iraq policy.
I've been away from the computer a lot lately -- Rome, Denmark, the Volkshochschule, my couch -- and therefore haven't done a very good job of posting updates to this "blog," much less responding to the countless e-mails I've received in the past days. So to save a little time, I figure I'll kill two birds with one stone and take a minute and respond here to a few of the more important messages that have shown up in my Yahoo! account over the past couple of days:
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To: Angie Beck
Re: Hey
Dear Angie,
Thank you so much for your offer of "low price Viagra pills, best sex ever." I very much appreciate your unsolicited advertisement, although I must decline for the time being. However, here from Berlin, I can offer you a very attractive selection of used subway tickets, also at a very "low price." Please comment if you're interested and we'll get together.
Toodles,
Nathan
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To: Lyman Stanton
Re: Dating site for sex-addicts GX72
Dear Lyman,
I must say that the services you appear to be offering make my face turn a bit red, so I shall not repeat some of the words you've selected here on my "blog." However, that 90% of your members have already "hooked up using" your "system?" Wow, I must say that is a very high percentage, and that it is "100% free," well, I suppose that must be cheaper than, say, 99% free. I can't say I'm all that interested, although perhaps I ought to refer you to my friend Angie; she may have an offer that would catch your attention.
All the best with that,
Nathan
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To: NHL
Re: You are invited to blog with other NHL fans!
Dear NHL,
Indeed, I haven't yet joined "NHL Connect, the official NHL forum, a free social networking service designed to bring together hockey fans across the globe." Perhaps I really should consider creating a "free profile" so that I can read "NHL player blogs" and join "Official Connect Groups for NHL 2K7, McFarlane Toys, NHL Center Ice and more."
Then again, I can't imagine what I might actually contribute to such "Official Connect Groups," since I don't know anything about NHL 2K7, McFarlane Toys, or NHL Center Ice. Do you have an "Official Connect Group" for Admirers of Waterfowl, Team Handball Enthusiasts, or Berlin Volkshochschule Students? Please get back to me ASAP.
Yours truly,
Fan
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To: NHL Online Catalog
Re: The New Spring 2007 NHL Catalog is Now Available Online!
Dear NHL Online Catalog,
So many tempting offers, so little spare time and money. How interesting that you have "Jerseys, Hats, Sweatshirts, T-shirts, Collectibles, Gift Cards and more" available online. I shall immediately log into my "Official Connect Group" to inform others!
All the best,
Nathan
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To: J.B. Poersch
Re: Democrats United
Dear J.B.,
Thank you so much for your very personal message regarding President Bush's proposed troop escalation in Iraq. It's good to know that "this weekend" my "pressure had an impact." However, I don't recall pressuring President Bush and his Republican buddies very hard about this issue over the weekend while eating delicious Italian food and touring ancient Roman ruins. But it's nice to know that I have such a great influence despite doing so little -- or should I say, nothing at all! I had no idea my brainwaves were so powerful. How about this week we overhaul social security, health care, and completely reconsider American foreign policy? Should be a snap.
Cheerio,
NATHAN
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To: Gery Vachel
Re: We are experts in getting people laid XW14
Dear Gery,
Now Lyman, is that you again? You are such a goofball!
Nathan
1 comment:
Nate! You are too f***ing funny. I think Lyman wrote me a similar email. That lazy bastard - he writes all his buddies the same thing. I wonder if he's ever going to visit like he's been promising. I'm sure he'll see you before me; you were always his favorite. :)
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