Catching up on e-mail

I've been pretty busy lately pressuring President Bush regarding his Iraq policy.

I've been away from the computer a lot lately -- Rome, Denmark, the Volkshochschule, my couch -- and therefore haven't done a very good job of posting updates to this "blog," much less responding to the countless e-mails I've received in the past days. So to save a little time, I figure I'll kill two birds with one stone and take a minute and respond here to a few of the more important messages that have shown up in my Yahoo! account over the past couple of days:

--

To: Angie Beck
Re: Hey

Dear Angie,
Thank you so much for your offer of "low price Viagra pills, best sex ever." I very much appreciate your unsolicited advertisement, although I must decline for the time being. However, here from Berlin, I can offer you a very attractive selection of used subway tickets, also at a very "low price." Please comment if you're interested and we'll get together.

Toodles,
Nathan

--

To: Lyman Stanton
Re: Dating site for sex-addicts GX72

Dear Lyman,
I must say that the services you appear to be offering make my face turn a bit red, so I shall not repeat some of the words you've selected here on my "blog." However, that 90% of your members have already "hooked up using" your "system?" Wow, I must say that is a very high percentage, and that it is "100% free," well, I suppose that must be cheaper than, say, 99% free. I can't say I'm all that interested, although perhaps I ought to refer you to my friend Angie; she may have an offer that would catch your attention.

All the best with that,
Nathan

--

To: NHL
Re: You are invited to blog with other NHL fans!

Dear NHL,
Indeed, I haven't yet joined "NHL Connect, the official NHL forum, a free social networking service designed to bring together hockey fans across the globe." Perhaps I really should consider creating a "free profile" so that I can read "NHL player blogs" and join "Official Connect Groups for NHL 2K7, McFarlane Toys, NHL Center Ice and more."

Then again, I can't imagine what I might actually contribute to such "Official Connect Groups," since I don't know anything about NHL 2K7, McFarlane Toys, or NHL Center Ice. Do you have an "Official Connect Group" for Admirers of Waterfowl, Team Handball Enthusiasts, or Berlin Volkshochschule Students? Please get back to me ASAP.

Yours truly,
Fan

--

To: NHL Online Catalog
Re: The New Spring 2007 NHL Catalog is Now Available Online!

Dear NHL Online Catalog,
So many tempting offers, so little spare time and money. How interesting that you have "Jerseys, Hats, Sweatshirts, T-shirts, Collectibles, Gift Cards and more" available online. I shall immediately log into my "Official Connect Group" to inform others!

All the best,
Nathan

--

To: J.B. Poersch
Re: Democrats United

Dear J.B.,
Thank you so much for your very personal message regarding President Bush's proposed troop escalation in Iraq. It's good to know that "this weekend" my "pressure had an impact." However, I don't recall pressuring President Bush and his Republican buddies very hard about this issue over the weekend while eating delicious Italian food and touring ancient Roman ruins. But it's nice to know that I have such a great influence despite doing so little -- or should I say, nothing at all! I had no idea my brainwaves were so powerful. How about this week we overhaul social security, health care, and completely reconsider American foreign policy? Should be a snap.

Cheerio,
NATHAN

--

To: Gery Vachel
Re: We are experts in getting people laid XW14

Dear Gery,
Now Lyman, is that you again? You are such a goofball!

Nathan

Shopping for a new subway ticket

Using public transit in Berlin is affordable, convienient, better for the environment, and improves one's problem solving skills.

I'm a big fan of public transportation, because I don't think it should be my responsibility to pay for ownership and maintenance of a car. I also don't think it should be my obligation to pay for insurance to cover situations (such as the one that happened to my brother a couple of weeks ago in Ohio) where you're driving along happily in your ugly but paid for jalopy, when some guy who (illegally) hasn't bothered to pay for his own insurance just plows into you. Your car is wrecked, and you grudgingly get a pathetic little check from your insurance company (supposedly for the fair value of your car), which you have no choice but to hand back over to the auto industry, along with a good chunk of your savings and future earnings. If you're lucky, you'll pay off the new loan before the same thing happens again.

Here in Berlin a lot of people are of the same opinion. Most of the people who have a car here in the city spend inordinate amounts of time trying to find parking or worrying about vandalism. Because so few people drive, it seems like many of those who do feel a heightened sense of empowerment and privilege. It's kind of like living in a world where all the drivers are from a WASP suburb, have just turned sixteen and want to show their friends the new toy their parents just gave them. Such people drive as quickly as possible between red lights, stomping on the gas when the light turns green and slamming on the brakes at the next intersection.

Fortunately, over time a rather impressive network of subways, elevated trains, streetcars and buses developed. It's a better way to get around town, and when you factor in how long it takes you to find parking, also generally faster.

What makes no sense, however, is how difficult Germans like to make it to figure out what kind of ticket you should buy, which are nonetheless almost never checked by bus drivers or controlling agents. There's the Kurztrecke (short trip), Einzelfahrt (single ride), Tageskarte (day ticket), 7-Tage-Karte (7 day ticket), Monatskarte (month ticket), 10-Uhr Monatskarte (month ticket after 10 o'clock), and Jahreskarte (year ticket), as well as the Kleingruppenkarte (small group ticket.) For visitors (cleverly marketed in neudeutsch for people that nicht sprechen the language), there is the CityTourCard (available in 48 and 72 hour varieties), the CityTourCard premium, and the WelcomeCard (again, 48 or 72 hours). There are special tickets available for families (the FamilienPass), for some but not all students and for apprentices (Auszubildende/Schülerkarten) and the Fahrradzeitkarte for people with bikes. And of course there are specific rules for people with dogs. Usually you can take one dog of reasonable size with you, but sometimes your best canine friend must have a separate valid ticket depending on what kind of ticket you have and on the number of dog companions your pet has with him. And there's always the question of whether you qualify for some other kind of discount due to your age, employment status, or income level.

While all that is almost straightforward, there's also the question of which zones you would like to travel in: AB (central Berlin and the outskirts), BC (only the outskirts of the city and the surrounding part of Brandenburg), or ABC, this entire region. Tickets valid for single zones or for zones A and C together are not available, although I'm surprised no one has thought of that yet. If you know where you are and where you want to go, this can also be determined fairly easily.

But, like the German language itself, there are plenty of other strange rules and exceptions. For example, if you have a monthly ticket and you're travelling after 8:00 p.m. or on the weekends, you can take a friend and up to three children (ages six to 13) with you. But if you're travelling with just a single ride ticket or day ticket, you can't. Which makes me wonder: if I'm riding with a monthly ticket on a Saturday with my wife, are we allowed to have two dogs with us or just one? What exactly classifies as a dog? Is that all animals in the order carnivora, or just those that are domesticated? In that case, shouldn't I be allowed to bring other animals onto the subway -- a friendly duck, perhaps? I don't understand why dogs get a rubber stamp while other animals are left to ambiguity. That smacks of animal favoritism to me.

And what about bikes? Do tricycles require a supplementary ticket? What about unicycles? How about other pieces of transportation equipment, such as a kayak? That is not much bigger than a bicycle. For example, what ticket should I buy if it's after 8:00 on February 29th, I'm traveling from Charlottenburg to Wannsee with my wife, a kayak, a tricycle, and a St. Bernard, and I'm unemployed?

I suppose the chances are pretty slim that we'd be checked...

Watching the jocks

The true meaning of the Super Bowl was revealed to me at the Spandau Shopping Arcade last week.

It's pretty hard, regardless of where you are in the world, to get away from the marketing superfluousness and insult to athleticism that is the Super Bowl, or in other words, the final match of the National Football League season in America. While fortunately this year I'm no longer working in the sports department of a major American newspaper, and thereby won't be forced to propagate the alleged importance of this so-called sporting event yet further, I still unfortunately became aware of the circumstances of the match -- namely that the game is being held somewhere in Florida, that the Chicago Bears are playing against the Indianapolis Colts, and that for whatever reason, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has revealed that she favors the Colts. (Apparently not much going on concerning world affairs this weekend.)

Thank the maker that here in Europe, there are much more significant sporting events to watch, such as the team handball world championship, which earlier today in Köln pitted Germany against Poland. For those of you not particularly familiar with team handball -- which, from what I understand, counts as everyone from the United States -- it's a game that's best understood as water polo without the water. That said, it also features certain athletic and regulatory similarities to basketball, ice hockey and baseball.

I must admit that at times I caught myself getting excited. The Poles trailed the entire match and indeed eventually lost, even though the referees were French; I cannot think of a more binding theme for those two peoples other than an historical opposition to Germans. The result was somewhat disappointing for me, as I was backing Poland for this particular encounter. I did this mostly to irritate my wife, who was supporting her countrymen, but also partially because the German coach resembled a walrus in my opinion, which I found somewhat disturbing.

Overall, the main impression I got from this game was not good. The players -- each of whom, like their soccer playing counterparts, has a unique hairstyle -- must wear uniforms resembling those from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, which are unflattering to say the least. The field players flip the ball casually to one another when in possession of it, then violently thrust it at the opposing goal when they find the best opportunity. The goalkeepers' official uniforms most closely resemble sweatshirts, which, like five-year old ice hockey goalkeepers padded to the point of immobility by their overzealous mothers, seem to be mostly for protection. If I would have played it when I was in high school, I certainly would have been ridiculed or worse.

However, had I participated in the sporting events we watched in the morning -- the world championships for 2-man luge -- the butt-kicking I would have endured for participating in team handball would have seemed insignificant. Germans here love their winter sports, which is all fine and good. But I must say I'm somewhat shocked by this 2-man luge. The two athletes that participate in this high-speed sport must spend incredible amounts of time in -- how to put it without sounding like an ass? -- very close contact to one another. As the program progressed, I did not intend to mention that I considered this circumstance a bit uncommon and perhaps exceeding the same-sex personal proximity norms of many societies. But then when I realized the main sponsor for this event -- apparently a Swiss firm with the unfortunate initials "F," "A," and "G" -- had displayed their logo not only on the front of each competitor's jersey, but also all over the track and the podium, well, I had no choice but to mention it, because it was just too funny not to, and because I was practically rolling on the ground laughing already.

Still, I hope that does not make me insensitive, because I really do not like to laugh at the differences between peoples. And regardless, the athleticism with which those luge guys perform is ten times as impressive as what any single player in the Super Bowl will manage, regardless of who's playing or how many Roman numerals are involved.

Notes on my bathroom, part II; ATHF in Boston; Denmark

A group of common waterfowl, some of the coolest animals on the planet, explore the Lietzensee in Charlottenburg.

There's always a lot to write about here at luxurious Villa Charlottenburg, so I will use one of the most popular journalistic styles, the "roundup" (which I suppose suggests cattle, not duck imagery), in order to provide you with as much up to the minute reading material as I can.

Bathroom update. The vast majority of the comments I've gotten regarding my "blog" have been regarding the functionality -- or rather the dysfunctionality -- of our bathroom here in Seelingstr. 41. Thank you all very much for your deep concern. Fortunately, the shower's temperature fluctuation problem, which stemmed from our pre-unification era water-heater, is no more. Unfortunately, it has been replaced by yet another problem, in that said water-heater no longer produces hot water at all. Now, as regular readers of this blog know, I am not one to complain. No, no, I love life and all of its goofy little quirks, even the ones that make me boil my own hot water on the stove before going to shave or clean myself. (Today, for instance, I took a two kettle bath, using about a gallon of water.) But really, this is not all that bad -- compared to the hundreds of millions of people on our planet that don't have regular access to clean water of any temperature, I have nothing to complain about. Plus, it gives me a good idea of how much water I actually use when practicing my daily person hygiene, and furthermore, if there's any unused water left over, I can make tea. I am under the impression that the issue should be resolved in the coming days -- at which point I will probably revert to the hedonistic habits I practiced before the most recent crisis. So please discontinue sending me additional bottles of cologne or parcels of deodorant.

Issue 2: Terrorism Scare in Boston. You may or may not be familiar with the American cable television series Aqua Teen Hunger Force, a low-budget and somewhat flippant cartoon centering around the exploits of a bag of fries (Frylock), a milk shake (Master Shake), and a meatball (Meatwad). It is fairly distant from main-stream entertainment, but nonetheless clever and occasionally hilarious. Apparently, promoters for this show devised a set of advertisements using flashing signs powered by four Size-D batteries, intending them to resemble one of the show's characters with one of its fingers extended. I'm not sure how or why, but these advertisements were interpreted by some of the good -- but perhaps not so hip -- people in Massachusetts as a terrorism threat, temporarily shutting down Boston's commercial port and provoking statements from the state's governor and the city's mayor, who reminds me of Carl, the disgusting and consistently grumpy neighbor on ATHF, who is the butt of a good number of the jokes. This has to be one of the most ridiculous knee-jerk reactions since this whole terrorism paranoia started. If we really think the terrorists are going to conquer the free world by cobbling together a few light-bulbs with some extra batteries, I have to wonder why we're not investing more money in determining what's a legitimate threat and what isn't. At the very least, it's a brilliant bit of publicity for ATHF; I think I might go to amazon when I'm done writing this and order the latest season's box set.

Upcoming world explorations. As if the world weren't big enough already, it was recently brought to my attention that there are other countries aside from the United States and Germany. Correspondingly, about a month ago I decided to plan a visit to one of them, called Denmark, which lies some distance to the north of here, past Tegel, Neustrelitz and even Mecklenburg-Vorpommern. Past Rostock there is a large body of water called the Baltic Sea, and beyond that there are some islands. Several of these islands make up the nation of Denmark, as well as a thumb-shaped peninsula north of Kiel that apparently the Prussians decided was not all that enticing. Astonishingly, these people that dwell in Denmark -- I am told they are called Danes -- prefer to speak a language called Danish, which I only know as a tasty breakfast item. (Perhaps I am confusing this with bagels.) Fortunately, I am told that these so-called Danes also speak English -- probably better than I do -- and also possibly German, although they will probably not admit that to me publicly. (But of course I probably will not admit that I speak German to them either.) At anyrate, my exploration of this never-before-seen land will take place from Monday to Friday next week. So, for your edification as much as mine, may I suggest you visit my other "blog" during that time period -- although I may find the time to brag about myself again here before I leave.

Approximately a week later my wife and I will take a weekend trip to Rome, where I expect either to meet Russell Crowe or to participate in a chariot race, or perhaps both.